Part 2: Page 2

I make everyone Blue Mages so that I learn stuff easier. On my way to learn Vampire, there is shocking news!!

Boco! I'm comin' for ya, buddy!


Oh absolutely.


Boco is wounded?! Noo!! Boco!!


I don't trust the bird fancier one bit, but it looks like I have no choice.


I fly my dragonplane over to Worus Castle to try to get the king to shut off the crystal so it doesn't explode.


Except... wait... what's this?


Oh there had better not be a secret passage behind this


GOD DAMNIT there's a secret passage behind the waterfall!!!! There always has to be a secret passage behind the fucking waterfall!

But what's this?!?!?!?!

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!! I get two Mythril Swords so Faris does respectable damage and Butz just kicks fucking ass.

Then I try to fight Shiva and get my ass handed to me, so I get to do everything you see above TWICE


Man, when will this guy learn? Everyone who lives in wealth and abundance dies, and I mean every time.


It'll take a miracle to change this guy's mind.

A miracle or a

METEOR


The King ditches me to go to the crash site. I quickly follow suit in my dragonplane.


Not a bad meteor either. Hey, wait a minute, that's the same meteor as the other one!


I walk in the tower and immediately see some guys who got their asses beat. Ha ha.


Man, what is all this about? Galura's a pussy.

I scale the tower, stealing Mythril Daggers from Wyverns so that Galuf actually does respectable damage (and making a little cash by selling the extras).


Oh hey, it's Galura. I'm sure he won't remember me and bear a grudge or anything.


Aw crap. THROW DOWN


Galura is quite the nasty fellow. His strategy consists of physically attacking a whole fucking lot, and I mean a whole fucking lot. At some point he starts countering and attacks like three times in a turn, in addition to using Rush, which is just a more powerful physical attack that makes your HP gradually go down.


Of course, he starts to regret his dependence on physical attacks when Faris blinds him with Flash. The fight is pretty easy after that, though I still had to do some healing for the odd attack that hit.

Okay, so we defeat Garula and the day is s



Well, shit. Two down and two to go. But what's this?!?!?!?!

The mysterious soldier reveals that he knows who Galuf is and conveniently dies!

Well, geez, this is just a bad day for GAH

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!

But wait, what's that shaking?!

Oh no!

Fortunately our heroes escape the tower just before it sinks!

Except that the WHOLE FUCKING PENINSULA SINKS


Hey, it's Syldra! Fuck yeah!


Everybody is sucked into the belly of the beast and she deposits us safely on the shore.


Noooo!! Syldra!!




Okay, bad news good news time. Bad news is, another crystal has shattered and Syldra is dead once and for all. The good news is

NEW JOBS!!!

So we've got the Berserker, Mystic Knight, Red Mage, Time Mage, and Summoner. Pick what you like, but know this: Somebody must be a Berserker. I refuse to continue the game unless someone says they're going to be a Berserker.

EDIT: Holy shit I can't believe I spelled Galura wrong
Okay, Jesus, this is killing me.


After building up some skills, I go to investigate this meteor.


Hey, this one has a door in it! Let's go in!


The very first thing you do when you encounter a strange flashing panel is step on it.


Galuf remembers this place? The plot thickens!


Everybody is teleported to a different meteor on another continent.


After trekking through the wilderness, they encounter the town of Karnov, which holy shit it's on fire!!!


Okay, how is lighting your fucking town on fire benefitting it?

Anyway, I go in the weapon shop and HOLY CRAP

Check out these prices!!!!

Fuck yeah gimme some of th

OH WHAT THE FUCK


I DID NOT MURDER HIM


The party wakes up in a jail cell. After stewing around for a while, I begin to develop a cunning plan to escGAH







Anyway, this guy is the obligatory Cid!

He got thrown in jail for trying to shut down the machines amplifying the power of the Fire Crystal. But what's this!!!


Oh no this is really bad!


Yeah okay I'll get right on that. But right now I have a score to settle...


I check out the Magic Shop, and level 2 spells yeah!! I can only afford one, so I get Fire2, as it's all I need for the moment.


Hey, yeah. Remember me? I'm back, and I have fucking fire. THROW DOWN


Shiva is a stupid whore who uses Ice2 and it fucking hurts. But with the magic of Fire2, I manage to melt her and her lackeys' collective asses.





Protip: If you're hard for cash, fight these guys in the forests around Karnov. If you equip a Fire Rod beforehand, you can kill five Wild Nacks with one piddly-ass Fire spell. And they drop hard cash money.

I use my new-found funds to fund the purchases of all the new spells I can use, and head for the Steamship.


Yeah, there are monsters in this place, and they're fucking annoying. They all take two hits (from anyone but crazy Lenna) to kill, and they like Blinding you. Urgh!!!


I kick enough ass to get to this room full of pipes!


So the Queen is the mastermind behind all this?!?! Well, no, she's being controlled, but whatever. She shoots flames at me and the flames take the form of an annoying asshole!


This guy is an asshole. He loves using Flame, which fucking hurts everybody, or Fire2, which really fucking hurts one person. But Shiva and Ice2 Sword send him back to Fireland where he belongs.


Thus causing an explosion? I don't know.


That nasty little bugger! We'll stop him!


Okay, the Fire Crystal! Now, this one ISN'T going to explode, right guys?

When suddenly oh shit a werewolf!!!

But not the bad kind of werewolf. This is the good kind.


And, of course, it's one of Galuf's friends, and he's all like

Wait, who is this guy?

Oh goddamnit!


He hits a switch to turn the crystal back on, but our lupine friend puts his life on the line to stop it!


A noble rescue attempt is cut short by gravity.


Well, so much for that.


Of course, the brilliant minds that designed this castle decided that its structural stability should rely on a big magic crystal. Wasn't it revealed in the last game that people love stealing these things?


OH SHIT

That's where I stopped, because Jesus Christ I really can't deal with exploding castles right now.

I just ran through the castle, and ignored most of the treasure chests because they had monsters in them and didn't give me anything but Elixirs, which are pretty much worthless because I never want to use them. But I did make sure to grab the Guardian, Elf Cape, and Ribbon. All very awesome things, I assure you.

Then I changed everyone to Blue Mages (except Faris, who I just gave Learning) so they could learn spells, got Aero 2 from a Gigas, and had to fight this guy!


The Iron Claw! AW HELL CLAW! Anyway, this guy has an awesome Blue Magic spell that paralyzes people and reduces them to single digit HP, which is why I kept everybody as Blue Mages. Faris uses Fire 2 and everybody else uses Aero 2 and he's gone in a heartbeat.


And we escape the castle with not a baker's dozen of dozens of seconds to spare!




But not all is lost!

Wait, only three? This is less FUCK YES than I'd hoped. But wait! The classes gained are Mediator , Geomancer , and...

Wait for it.

NINJA


OH FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Christmas is officially saved.


Well, hey, the castle's gone, but so is that pesky wall! And we have NINJAS
Anyway, after Karnov Castle explodes, back in regular Karnov, Cid's going all emo about it.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME

Well, I leave him to his troubles and decide to wait is that a piano?!!?

FUCK YES!!!!!!!

Sorry. Anyway, I head off through the hole in the wall and get to a this place called the Ancient Library.

A library? Man, I was just in an exploding fire castle, and the best follow-up you've got is a library? Lame.

But those guys at the entrance sure do walk around a lot!

Really? Wait, this gives me an idea! We can rescue Mid, then ransom him off to his grandpa for hard cash money! Or we could just rescue him, whatever.

Anyway, WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM

Poor Lenna had to spend the entire trip to the library dead just to get killed again. But I learned LEVEL 5 DOOM

Well, to make it up to her, I kill everybody else and have her fight a battle outside alone.

She Controls these stupid dragons and makes them use Fusion to kill themselves to heal her. I also learn it as Blue Magic, and I can assure you that I will never, ever, ever find a use for it.

Anyway, back in the library, a shelf!

A sentient shelf, and a real asshole of a sentient shelf too. Well, I'd better try going the other way.

But who's this?

Hey, Ifrit! Of course the perfect place for a fire demon is a place filled with old books.


Ifrit is a jerk, but he's not a bitch like Shiva. Speaking of which, I introduced the two, and they didn't get on too well. Turns out Ifrit's weak to ice, heh.


Alright, let's go burn some books!

We meet up with the asshole sentient shelf again, and I introduce him to Ifrit.

They don't get on too well either.


Hey, here's the twerp now! Let's bag him!


Man, Galuf! Every time someone says that, something bad happens! Dumbass!


Oh no, a few books fell down. What are we going to do? Oh, wait, these are monster books, and I have to kill them. THROW DOWN


Byblos. I'm not really sure how difficult this guy is. I've heard he's kind of hard, but I wouldn't know because I'm a pro.

And you can be a pro too! Here's how!

Protip: A lot of the bosses in this game have nasty little secrets that you can exploit to easily kill them. For example, Byblos here is vulnerable to Death Claw, which reduces him to single digit HP. Then you can just hit him once and he dies.

Anyway, let's save this... wait...

I saved you, retard! Reward me!


Oh whatever. We all take the shortcut and end up back upstairs.


Okay, this guy's starting to get on my nerves.


Whoa wait a minute you never said anything about the steamboat, Willie! This guy is my new best friend.

Cid's name comes up, and he's all like

He runs off to beat the emo out of Cid, and we quickly follow suit.


Hey Grandpa!

SUCK ON THIS!

You're damn right he's right. Now turn off the shitty music and put down the razorblade.


Willie shares his amazing idea for the steamboat, Willie 2 thinks it's brilliant, and they both get to work.

I go to check up on them.

Yeah, okay, asshole.

We all head to the cabin for a siesta, when suddenly!

Galuf is remembering something! This could be big!


Apparently Mid somehow catalyzed Galuf's mind to remember his granddaughter Cara. What, that's it?

NO

:megamon:


Okay, so Galuf was one of the four dudes who sealed the big nasty demon guy Exdeath away 30 years ago. Then he passes out, but everything's cool.


I go cruisin' in my new steamboat, ready to explore.


First I drop by this town called Jacole, where I buy some new equipment, and also a piano!!!!


FUCK YES!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, I could not atually buy the piano.

Then I check out this backwater called Istory, which is on an island next to a huge waterfall, and where they don't have any equipment except toofuckingexpensive rings. So I chat it up with the locals.

Oh goddamnit!


An old man who hits me with thunder? Hahaha, okay, where are the cameras and Ashton Kutcher?


Okay, so there really is an old man who hits me with thunder. Well, I decide to hit him with fuckin' FIRE.


Apparently he recognizes my new friend, so he stops fighting me and lets me summon him!


Say, what's this? An island shaped like a crescent? Apparently it's called Crescent Island. I wonder why.

I enter the town, which is for some reason called Crescent (what's with these people and their weird names?), when suddenly, tragedy!!


Oh, that's it? Who cares. But wait!!!


OH GODDAMNIT


Yeah, thanks for the sympathy, asshole.

Anyway, looks like I have no choice but to chum around with the locals. I meet a faggy bard who teaches me a faggy song, but we immediately hit it off because he's got a piano!!!!!

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!! Man, today is just a good day for pianos.

Also, for some reason I can walk under this shed thing.

Anyway, I hear rumors about a chocobo around here, so I check out the nearby forest.


Say, what's that purple chocobo doing in the Black Chocobo Forest? Whatever, let's bag it!


I change Butz to a Thief just to save myself some frustration, and we get ready to take to the skies!


Or not. Maybe Butz should lay off on the goddamn ice cream.

Except what's weighing the chocobo down is not Butz's fat ass but in fact

FUCK YES!!!!!!! Well, okay, it's only two classes, Hunter and Bard, and Bards are fucking gay, but Hunters have the potential to seriously rock.


Shut up, Butz, you fat pussy. Also, why the hell is the chocobo above the message box.

Whatever, let's fly!

And we have liftoff! Well, we may have lost our boat, but who cares, now we can fly! Also, we can shoot people with bows and shit. So, anybody feel like changing classes?